June 2010
1 post
May 2010
1 post
Mommy, Saint Mary.
It’s rare that I get a chance to spend time with, and even see my mom anymore – mainly because I’m constantly on the go, working, busy — focusing my attention elsewhere. So busy that I’m almost an entire week late in writing this.
If you get a chance, tell your mother that you love and appreciate her. She is the one who will love you and support you throughout all of...
April 2010
1 post
Work, work, work. Fail, fail, fail.
I work so much. Too much. And what do I have to show for it? Failure…some more crows feet and a boat load of stress. Money? Nope. Why? Because every time, it seems, I attain a certain goal - an amount of money - something happens that forces me to lose it. A night in the hospital, $2,800. A fender bender. $933. A speeding ticket. A parking ticket. Help pay for this, help pay for that. This,...
March 2010
1 post
Write
I want to write, but I don’t really know what to say.
February 2010
1 post
I keep your picture, in my worn through shoe.
Our friendship withstood so much dissension and hatred - manipulation via outside forces… tension… brokenness. The only reason we know we can trust it now is because of everything it withstood. We burned our bridge, but the ashes stayed intact, creating for an easy revamping. With the bridge burned, we learned - we grew. Separately we grew, and grew together again, giving room for a...
November 2009
1 post
Just Be.
It’s so difficult to simply “just be.” To live without purpose, simply going through the actions of living, without any goals, or passions. Sounds like it should be easy, right? Just going through the motions - just breathing and being. Why is it so difficult for us to do this? Because we all have a PURPOSE; we all have something for which we were created. Whether it be our...
October 2009
1 post
My home.
“It was nice knowing you; I think you should stay there.”
“Why?”
“Didn’t you say that’s where you belong?”
So, I’m here. It’s been anticipated for a while, now, and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where my home is, and where I belong, but that’s all that I’m trying to figure out - where I...
September 2009
2 posts
How To Heal a Bruise
Bruises go through a rainbow of colors as the body begins to heal itself. The rainbow of color is the breaking down of the collected red blood cells underneath the skin; as the red blood cells break down, they eventually get flushed away by the body’s natural processes. These blood cells cause the reddish, purplish, black or bluish marks that are typical of a bruise.
So, in order, what are...
People Amaze Me.
People amaze me. They really do. Just as soon as I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, I was taken for a spin. I’m not talking the teacup spin. I’m talking the gravitron spins. Illogical people - irrational people…they just amaze me.
I’m at a loss of words. What an amazing occurence. I can’t say anything - how rare.
August 2009
4 posts
Memories, Past, Scars, Manipulation.
It’s amazing how much reliving our past can emanate such an incredible amount of emotion and feeling. Simply by reading, thinking, reflecting. Sometimes there are things, though, that really shouldn’t be relived. Sometimes there are things we see of others’ past that we shouldn’t see, that are from a different time and place that have nothing to do with us. And they will...
Communication in Silence
It amazes me how much non-verbal communication we do in our everyday lives. Looks, glances, hand position, body position.
It’s a beautiful thing, really - silence. We speak and speak and never listen to the world around us. We never hear what we should, because of the lack of silence. So, it’s refreshing. It’s the one place that we can listen so much, without hearing a sound. In...
On: Happiness
What is it that makes us happy? Being around those who love us? Acting out and living by passions and ambitions? Simply living, and loving, and learning to appreciate the beauty in the world around us?
I don’t believe that outside aspects are determining factors in whether one is happy or not. I believe that happiness comes within, and the only place to find true happiness is within...
Meryl Streep, Mommy Dearest, and Inadequacy.
Today was good. Until about 30 minutes ago.
I returned my Anatomy & Physiology book to BCC & got 68 dollars for it. I spent 68.47 at Target for clothes for myself .My mother and I went to see Julie & Julia in memory of my grandmother, who loved her…and the movie came out on her birthday! We went to the mall. I got two things for myself. Frivolous & superfluous? Yes. Needed?...
July 2009
1 post
I don't write anymore.
I don’t write anymore. Maybe because I’ve let crying become my new outlet. Maybe because I have someone to hear me talk, and who actually listens. Maybe because I’m so caught up in things that don’t matter than I don’t have the ability to take the time for myself anymore.
I’m not going to talk about how I haven’t updated in a while, and what I’ve...
June 2009
2 posts
Back in '86...
I don’t have anything to say, but I have a ton of things to say.
Medport
I was asked tonight about the last time I updated this; I decided it’s time to come back, for all of the non-existent readers.
My topic of choice: Letting go.
It truly is a cliche, but there are people in the world that are meant to be in certain people’s lives, and people who are not. I believe, for me, it is difficult to let go of the people who aren’t meant to be there....
March 2009
6 posts
Honesty Is The Best Policy
I’ve never gone one day, throughout the entire span during my life that I could comprehend words and ideas, without thinking, “Honesty is the best policy.” Primarily because my mother is a woman who believes in God’s principles, and if I find myself lying, I’m either going to get caught because I’m AWFUL at it, or I feel guilty and tell the truth (If you are in...
Many years overdue.
“Oh yeah I’m sorry I was a jerk to you in middle school.” via Aol Instant Messenger.
I was talking about my negative experiences in middle school last night, actually, and I reminisced a little bit. It was bad. It was awful - I looked older than everyone, I felt more mature, I developed a conceited attitude because of it. People were nasty to me, I was nasty right back. I got...
Apathy
I seem to care far more than I should about things that aren’t pertinent to me, or what my future will bring - I care too much about the past. About memories. About what I could have done. I look forward to the day that I have the capacity to take things for face-value, completely skipping the part when I overthink, overdo, and overbear.
My energy has got to be turned somewhere else,...
What do you want from me?
There’s not much I can really give you, but my heart. As I put it into everything and everyone in my life…I can’t help it if I fall easily, even when I know I need to guard my heart from doing so. But I just care so much, and I love so much. It’s just what I want to do. Sometimes I’m almost hindered from loving the way I desire to love, because of a fear of it being...
The Importance of Being Earnest
He caresses her hair, language of comfort
Embracing her forehead, whole heartedly
Not love, but earnest care.
Eyes full of nurture, looking over her.
She sees the reflection of purity.
Along with undeveloped wisdom.
He has seen it all, still much to learn.
“He didn’t want that,” he whispers.
She contemplates. Accepts.
Feeling too much
I feel.
I love.
I react.
I hide.
I cover.
I repress.
I think.
I’m numb.
I cry.
Sometimes I find myself feeling too much that it actually numbs me to things around me. It’s my heart’s natural reaction to the world around me, because if I let my heart feel all of the emotion tucked away, it wouldn’t be able to handle it, forcing me to become numb. I cry.
...
February 2009
6 posts
Shakespearean Comedy
So all of the things I listed in my last blog entry…
1.) The bill for my transmission
2.) Making the left hand turn out of the Promenade, being pulled over
2a.)Not having an udpated insurance card whilst being pulled over (ticket)
3.) >48 hours later, getting a ticket for running a stop sign (2 points!)
4.) Hitting my friends’ car, ripping off his sideview mirror
4a.) Backing...
“You have been so good to me, and I’ve been less than welcoming, but still...”
Signs
I recently had a $450 job done on my car. I got pulled over for making a left out of the Promenade, and didn’t have my up to date insurance card, preceding with a ticket. Less than 42 hours later, I got pulled over in Cherry Hill for failing to stop at a stop sign, resulting in an 85 dollar ticket & two points. Tonight, I backed up and ripped the side view mirrow off of my best...
Losing it.
I’m slowly losing all desire to do anything. It’s really depressing. I told my mom today to just find someone rich and arrange a marriage for me. I have no chutzpah or temerity. I have nothing pushing me to get to the end (the end, simply being graduation…or what have you). I have no inspiration or any goal to reach. Maybe that’s it. My future is a little bit shady and...
i love you
IF I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU I REALLY REALLY REALLY MEAN IT!!!!!
Just a disclaimer.
January 2009
12 posts
My heart
My heart is huge
It feels deeply, it is full of love.
Love that aches to be given away.
Brotherly, unconditional, deeper than the surface, love.
Yet, unaccepted.
Love that sits, and marinates.
It’s not taken, so my heart forgets.
It forgets how to show this love.
It shows a blackened heart,
A facade of my soul.
NOTHIN
I don’t owe you anything. I have no obligation to you whatsoever and there is no way in hell that just because you think the world owes you something because of your shitty childhood means that I have to kiss your feet, and do everything for you. That’s not the way this world works. You’re by yourself and you can’t rely on anyone else. You can’t expect me to do your...
White boxes.
“That’s what your problem is, you don’t think ENOUGH in the box.”
Oh yeah? Really? So - if I go by what is “in the box” and “in the book,” I’ll be successful? If I go to college, perfect my robotics, read…terms, definitions, books, paperwork…PAPERWORK…terms, definitions, tests, cram & regurgitate. Drearily strolling...
Dissension
Your hatred for her stirs.
Her hair, a different color each day.
Insignificant ink, permanent on skin
Of white, ivory, porcelain.
You don’t really know why.
Her insecurities shine through eyes
of blue, green, marble.
You don’t understand.
You are passionate about your emotion.
About your dissension toward this girl.
You fail to see her heart
of care, love, gold.
Your...
“What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love...”
– Elizabeth Alexander
Unnecessary apologies.
For a split second longer, gripping.
Lost in a maze of crystal blues
Intuitive hands, to the small.
Analyzing movement, looks, breaths, inactions.
Past the wet sand
Deeper than the surface, finding dry.
Playing memories from a machine
Anticipation and judgement
Intrusion and longing
Desire and touch
Care and contemplation
Who is to blame?
Idol
I was watching American Idol with my parents last night. There was a guy named Danny Gokey who was auditioning, whose wife passed away a month earlier than his audition. Normally I can’t stand when producers use the death of a loved one in the auditioner’s life as publicity, but this was very touching. It was a very sullen story, and it disheartened me to see his stress and...
Love is a rebellious bird that no one can tame.
If I love you, but you don’t love me - watch out.
I love crazy women. I love the portrayal of a driven, determined, ruthless woman. Natalie Portman as Ann Boelyn. Carmen. Medea. Lady MacBeth. Anita. Bold women. It’s beautiful. Just throwing it out there.
Ya know...
I still can’t believe you left me at my brother’s wedding with an empty chair next to me. I don’t care so much anymore…but it was really awful of you to not tell me until the DAY OF that you couldn’t come.
You can sugarcoat things all you want and make me feel better about any situation adn tell me how great I am..but seriously? Awful.
Sick & Tired
I’m sick and tired of putting energy and care into people when all they do is THRIVE to talk about and hate me. I’m sorry, I’m not afraid to be confident and I’m not afraid to say what I think without sugarcoating. I’m not gonna kiss your ass because you take everything personally. You’re no better than me and I’m not better than you. Get over it. Yeah,...
"It's okay, I find comfort with you."
Ya know, I said that once. One time only. I meant it, too. But I could feel the un-comfortability emanating, so I just brushed it off.
I still mean it. Sadly.
I need that “you” to be me.
“You’ve failed before you’ve even begun.”
– JMH
December 2008
10 posts
Alone tonight
I was gonna go out, but some drama happened at home.
I read something someone else wrote - he’s alone tonight, too. It’s relaxing. It’s nice to have time to yourself. Time to finish a painting. Time to read about operas. Time to listen to music. Time to BREATHE. Things happen so quickly that it’s so easy to get caught up in all of it, without a moment to clear your mind....
New Year.
Ya know, it seems so cliche to try to start a new mastery objective in life in the new year, but it really is such an appropriate time. I mean, every day is a new day and a day that new habits can be formed or broken, but as 2009, a MONUMENTAL year for me, steadily approaches, it seems more and more perfect for me to start with a huge step with a ton of momentum.
The timespan from mideterms to...
You thought...wrong.
You thought I was cold. You thought I was stuck up. You thought I was a bad friend.
I’m happy you realized the difference between that idea that was built of me…and me. I’m happy that you saw you felt brainwashed. Happy that you became aware that your image was based on one person’s word. And that you were sorry. I’m happy you had a dramatic event to open your...
Sincere.
I was told today that I am very overbearing. I know that. That’s just who I am. But they also told me that since I am so overbearing when I seem like I care it seems to be fake and insincere.
For the record: Nothing I do or say - or any way I act - is EVER insincere. I wouldn’t waste my time being fake. I genuinely care for people. I give you a hug, it’s genuine. I say hello to...
And by the way
For some strange reason I still feel like I wasn’t good enough. I was easily dispensable. Even though I know I have incredible intrinsic worth - parts of me remain in self-doubt with a battered & bruised heart.
Unexpected.
I find myself in a place where I never thought I’d be. I’m always around people that which 3 months ago I never thought I’d ever see again, and never thought they’d have any significance in my life. I never thought they would be people I’d be saying goodbye to.
Such is life - unexpected turns.
Random: I loved him. Everything about him. His values. His dark hair....
Funny.
“Aw man, I’m trying so hard!” - Me.
“It’s okay, I’m already wet.” - Abby.
Hahahahaha.
Simple Rhymes, Meaningful Lines.
My mom was going through some stuff today and found 2 poems I wrote when I was 12 tucked away in a box. It’s really interesting/emotion-evoking to read them, considering I once, in a fit of hurt & emotional rage, threw out all of my journals and poetry. One of the worst things I could have ever done as a writer. Stroll down memory lane.
This one’s really funny…
“Once...
Sleeping the world away.
Dreams are a bizarre place. The world doesn’t exist - but the world around the dreamer is the reason for these dreams. It’s so easy to lose oneself in dreams. It’s so easy to seek out a different life in dreams, and live them. Reality sometimes can be so difficult to deal with - to feel the pain, to suffer the suffering, to feel the extremes. We are numb in dreams.
Maybe...
Adobe.
False images.
Emaciated women surrounding, with flashing lights and cameras.
Graphic botox and computerized facelifts.
High expectation, with low body mass.
The world knows not true aesthetics.
Flaws, blemishes, defining characteristics.
Not mainstream ideas, packaged up with a ribbon and bow
Beneath the wrapping - altering minds. Changing motives.
Brainwashing masked by distorted...