Brain Droppings.

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. -Salvador Dali
Thu Jun 17
Mwahahahahhahahaha
angelar0se:

leahkoons:

damn. you’re right. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten a mac
AHA JAY KAY LOVE MY MAC

(via newdeja-vu)

(via newdeja-vu-deactivated20100616-)

Mwahahahahhahahaha

angelar0se:

leahkoons:

damn. you’re right. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten a mac

AHA JAY KAY LOVE MY MAC

(via newdeja-vu)

(via newdeja-vu-deactivated20100616-)

Thu May 13

Mommy, Saint Mary.

It’s rare that I get a chance to spend time with, and even see my mom anymore – mainly because I’m constantly on the go, working, busy — focusing my attention elsewhere. So busy that I’m almost an entire week late in writing this.

If you get a chance, tell your mother that you love and appreciate her. She is the one who will love you and support you throughout all of your walks of life. She is the one who can dry your tears and her holding you can make any troubles subside. She knows you better than anyone – better than you know yourself, and she will always be there, despite your flaws and faults. She knows something is up – whatever it may be - just by the way you walk up the stairs into your house. She would fight for you, die for you, and has physical pains when she knows something going wrong with you. You are her baby, and she will love you until the bitter end.

My relationship with my mother is a very interesting one; Not only do we look like twins, but our personality, temperament, mannerisms, and behaviors are identical. We know how the other will react, we know what the other is thinking, and we know exactly how to love the other (and push the others’ buttons!). It’s uncanny the resemblance we have physically, but even more uncanny the resemblance we have spiritually and emotionally. When looking at this absolutely stunning woman, I feel like I am looking at myself in the mirror, 36 years from now [sorry to announce your age, Ma ;) ]. I only hope to be half the woman she is today.

She amazes me more and more with each interaction I have with her. She loves in all situations. She has the ability to find joy and optimism on the rainiest of days – in the hardest battles. She acts with love, in every moment of her day, toward every person she encounters. She sacrifices so much to take care of me and my siblings – and everyone, for that matter – to ensure our happiness and comfortability. She has the spirit and innocence of a child, but the soul and wisdom of a weathered, worn grandmother who has experienced all walks of life. I only pray to be the mother, wife, and woman she is when I’m older. She doesn’t judge, boast, or walk proud, but walks with a gentle, humble, and kind aura. She attempts to spread her kindness and love with her forgiveness and light. She has taught me to forgive and forget – to love in all conditions (I’m not perfect…but I try.) - to be a woman with dignity, integrity, and passion. Those of you who know my mother, you know she is a saint, and, without doubt, the best mother in the world.

Mommy, you are the mother of four beautiful, hardworking, and incredible people. I want to make you proud in everything that I do; all of our successes and victories are attributed to you and your impeccable parenting and teachings. I hope to God that as we grow older, we strive to be more like the way you have taught us to be every day – in all aspects of our lives.

So maybe I’m not a week late in writing this as I want to celebrate my mother every day. Although it’s not always easy to praise someone who knows everything about me, and we don’t always get along, it’s important to let her know that in the toughest moments of our relationship is when I love her most – because she emanates true love throughout the tough times we go through, by continuing to love me, and forgive me, despite all of my flaws.

I love you, Mommy.

Tue Apr 13

Work, work, work. Fail, fail, fail.

I work so much. Too much. And what do I have to show for it? Failure…some more crows feet and a boat load of stress. Money? Nope. Why? Because every time, it seems, I attain a certain goal  - an amount of money - something happens that forces me to lose it. A night in the hospital, $2,800. A fender bender. $933. A speeding ticket. A parking ticket. Help pay for this, help pay for that. This, that, the other thing. Ugh.

I question myself, and wonder why I opted out of school. I’m so intelligent, and talented, yet part of me feels like it’s useless, as throughout my life, every time I’ve worked toward something, a natural occurrence takes place to void it all out. To void out my hard work. So what’s the point? 

No, this isn’t just because of money; but it is acting as a catalyst of some sort. Yeah, who doesn’t need more money? But it’s just an exemplification of my life - work hard, get no where. So…do I continue to work? Or should I live passively and let whatever happen, happen? My issue is - I’m a worker. I was raised to work, and always taught to work hard.  If I’m not working hard, I’m not working hard enough, and I have an internal critic for being lazy. Like an internal time bomb of guilt, waiting to explode at any given moment.

I’m ranting and running in circles, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s my blog, not yours. 

The biggest issue I have with this whole thing….I’m 18. I’m a baby. I shouldn’t have to worry about these kind of things…yet, I have to, and I do.
 

I think I just need a hug. 

Thu Mar 11

Write

I want to write, but I don’t really know what to say.

Fri Feb 5

I keep your picture, in my worn through shoe.

Our friendship withstood so much dissension and hatred - manipulation via outside forces… tension… brokenness. The only reason we know we can trust it now is because of everything it withstood. We burned our bridge, but the ashes stayed intact, creating for an easy revamping. With the bridge burned, we learned - we grew. Separately we grew, and grew together again, giving room for a newly enlightened relationship that we both know can withstand anything and everything.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I’m so happy we’re back to normalcy.

Tue Nov 10

Just Be.

It’s so difficult to simply “just be.” To live without purpose, simply going through the actions of living, without any goals, or passions. Sounds like it should be easy, right? Just going through the motions - just breathing and being. Why is it so difficult for us to do this? Because we all have a PURPOSE; we all have something for which we were created. Whether it be our career, our talents, our hobbies - we all have something that drives us - something that makes life more than just “being.” The trick of the trade is to let it come to to us - we can’t go searching for our purpose. So, in order to find this drive, are we to “just be” until we find it? 

I’d write more, but my break is over. For now, my purpose is to sell merchandise. Later, I will be a musician. 

Mon Oct 19

My home.

"It was nice knowing you; I think you should stay there."

"Why?"

"Didn’t you say that’s where you belong?"

So, I’m here. It’s been anticipated for a while, now, and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where my home is, and where I belong, but that’s all that I’m trying to figure out - where I belong in this world. I don’t know if I belong here, and I may be mistaking by even being here at all - but I’m trying it out. I’m figuring out if this is my home, my sanctuary, my place to grow, my place to get away. We all still have so much growing and learning to do, and when I say we, yes I do mean everyone in the world - but I am truly the one who needs growth. I am not ready to be on my own just yet, but is anyone ready? Is anyone ready to be alone, on their own? I don’t think anyone is ready, but when the time comes, it’s simply a fact of life - we can’t depend on others forever. We can’t depend on others to make us feel less alone, because we truly are alone at all times - we are the only people we can 100% trust, and that’s not always true, because I know there are times we cannot trust ourselves. (I’m running in circles)

So, I’m alone, you’re alone, we’re all alone. But what do we do when we feel the need to branch out? Just go. Sure, I’m not ready. I’m not ready to go out into the world, but that’s what faith is - jumping, and not knowing where or if you’re going to land. Imagine if we knew the path our lives will take, every step - there would be no point in living our lives, and we might as well remain stagnant, as there is no excitement. Sure, we can be fearful because we don’t know what the future holds - but how ridiculous is that!? The future is inevitable, so why fear it?! Embrace it, love it, be it. Just accept the future, whatever it may be, for what it is, and live, learn, and love. 

I don’t know where I belong, but it won’t hurt to take a leap of faith to find out.

Sun Sep 6

How To Heal a Bruise

Bruises go through a rainbow of colors as the body begins to heal itself.  The rainbow of color is the breaking down of the collected red blood cells underneath the skin; as the red blood cells break down, they eventually get flushed away by the body’s natural processes. These blood cells cause the reddish, purplish, black or bluish marks that are typical of a bruise.

So, in order, what are the stages of colors of a bruise? It’s first reddish - the accumulation of blood. Then, it’s bluish, purple-ish, or blackish. After about 5-10 days, it becomes greenish or yellowish. Finally, it is yellow-brown, and the body has repaired the injury.

Nothing about a bruise is irreparable. Nothing is broken. They are always fixable. They are just temporary pains that we get through - there is no tear in the tissue, and no permanent injury. So, in life, how do our bruises heal? I bruise pretty easily; I always have bruises on my legs from walking into things and hurting myself. But what about those spiritual bruises? They go through those same rainbows of colors. Red, blue, purple, black, green, yellow.

Red: The color of anger, pain, hatred, hurt. We are hindered by something, or we run into a wall. We get into an argument. We get into a relationship that holds us back. We start to drink. We say awful things, in turn hurting ourselves. Every negative situation creates a bruise - minute or massive - in our lives.

Blue, Purple, & Black: Dark, mysterious colors. Colors that have a covering over them that cannot be figured out. Colors that cannot be penetrated. This is the wall we put up when we are hurt - impenetrable, strong, stubborn. We can’t be helped when this wall is up. Our hurts can’t heal when the darkness is keeping the light out.

Green: The color of new, reproduction, refreshed. The color of spring and production. After the walls are down, and the darkness goes away, we see things in a new light. We see life a little differently after the healing process of this bruise. Not completely differently, but differently enough to know how to handle a similar situation; differently enough to avoid getting hurt the next time.

Yellow: The color of the sun - the color of light. We go through the pain, the darkness, the reproduction, and we are enlightened and have a new idea about a specific situation.

So, every bruise in life goes through the same rainbow of colors to become enlightened.

I have bruises on my wings; I was meant to fly high and far, and I’m having difficulty getting my feet off the ground. Why? Because I have bruises, hindering me from every learning how to flap my wings with enough strength to fly.

I have felt the pain. I have built the wall. My bruises on my wings are still black. I need to see things differently, in a major way, in order to see the new ideas of green and enlightenment of yellow. I need to get these walls out of my way. I need to get focused on my wings - not everyone else’s. Everyone will find their own wings - or not. I have them and they are huge and taking me big places - I just have to allow them to. I have to allow myself to blossom and develop these wings even more - healed, unbruised and unharmed.

Good thing bruises are only temporary.

Fri Sep 4

People Amaze Me.

People amaze me. They really do. Just as soon as I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, I was taken for a spin. I’m not talking the teacup spin. I’m talking the gravitron spins. Illogical people - irrational people…they just amaze me.

I’m at a loss of words. What an amazing occurence. I can’t say anything - how rare.

Fri Aug 28

Memories, Past, Scars, Manipulation.

It’s amazing how much reliving our past can emanate such an incredible amount of emotion and feeling. Simply by reading, thinking, reflecting. Sometimes there are things, though, that really shouldn’t be relived. Sometimes there are things we see of others’ past that we shouldn’t see, that are from a different time and place that have nothing to do with us. And they will continue to have nothing to do with us.

But what happens when a person in your life now, rekindles those memories right in front of you and then you become involved? What happens when someone you are in love with is reminiscent of their first love, and is no longer reminiscent of your love? What happens when those memories playing and emanating emotion & feeling interfere with the relationship you are in? Do those memories now ha ve something to do with you? Or are you still to stay out? Sure, few will say. For the majority that says, no they have nothing to do with you, what about when those memories start to make you doubt what you have in the present?

I got a fortune cookie today that said “You must turn your scars into stars.” How to do that? Take the hurts you have had in the past and make them incentive to turn the negative into positive. Well, I wish I could tell someone that, and that they’d actually listen. I wish I could jusyt say something and it would sink in and really affect him. But I doubt it would. I just want to say, hey, take a look at your past. It’s there for a reason. Look at your present. It’s here for a reason. You can’t see your future, and it’s there for a reason. So just let go of the past and give the present a chance. Give it a chance without looking back. Stop looking back, stop comparing. Stop missing what you had, because the past is only relivable in memory. Hands down.

So I spoke of memories, the past, and scars. Not onto manipulation.

Here comes the rant!

Women are so good at it. I’ve been called manipulative by one person in my life. One. And he has no idea who I am or what I’m about. He sees me in a skewed light, and there’s nothing I can do about that. But really, I don’t understand manipulation. I understand getting what you want, and trying to get what you want, but I do not understand putting others’ feelings and well-being in harms way to get what you want. I don’t. People may say otherwise about me, that I will do anything to get what I want. I am only like that when I want something, but will never knowingly put someone else’s emotional state of well being at stake. I may hurt others unknowingly in the process of getting what I want, but I would never manipulatively conjure up a ruthless plan in my head to hurt others. Sure I can be wreckless and hurt others without thinking that it will, but if I knew it would hurt them - I wouldn’t do it. It seems to me that there are tons of manipulative people out there that just do it because they feel good being in control of others. “Your boyfriend sent me this, I think you should help him.” That’s great, you knew that I’d be hurt that he didn’t go to me, but also you knew that I’d be upset that he went to YOU. So, not only ar eyou acting like everything is okay becaus eyou are trying to help him, but you are underhandedly making me inferior to you because he’d rather talk to you than me. Manipulaiton in it’s finest, folks. Manipulation in it’s finest. Having a mask of “goodness” and “I only want what’s best,” when under the mask is a conniving bitch who just wants to hurt others out of being threatened. That’s a beautiful thing.